Tag Archives: hope

My Memory of You

The memories we have of the people around us…

Do you think they are real?
Could they live forever?
Were the details that gave life to our thoughts at one point in time simply fabricated illusions that we have consciously chosen to remember one way instead of another?
Is it possible that we have we forgotten certain details that made us have second thoughts and remember one another in the first place?  
Have the people within our minds just changed?
Or could it be that the people we never stopped thinking about never really existed because we didn’t take the time to see them for who they were instead of who we wanted them to be?

On the surface, I remember the ora that that surrounded your 6’7″ frame, that eclipsed your shadow and brought light to all of those around you. For a handsome blue-haired, blonde-eyed athlete, your humility and yearning to share words with pretty much everyone was beyond refreshing. You never took yourself too seriously, and your laughter was contagious. Above all, I can’t remember a time that I didn’t see a smile across your face..

6 years later…as I travel alone at half past midnight in this business class train car from our getaway weekend back to our hometown, I can’t help but feel guilty for not asking you more questions when we were kids, for not being there to look out for the person that looked out for everyone else..It makes me wish that I could go back in time and talk to the 18 year old you and the 16 year old me..even if only for a moment.. just so I could tell you that I care, and we both deserve to exercise and exceed our potential in life..

Despite the obstacles that you have encountered (some of which you’ve explained this past weekend, others I may never know), today, your light persists and you continue to surprise me. I haven’t smiled or laughed so hard in years…maybe ever. Your spontaneity is truthfully the furthest thing from conducive to my personal lifestyle; and yet, I find that your nimble nature brings me balance that I have been searching for high and low. Words cannot explain how thankful I am to hear someone aggressively tell me to put my phones away and stop working; to relax and enjoy living in the moments that make feel alive. The maze you take my mind through makes my heart want to be vulnerable..and open to the genuine warmth that you bring — inside and out. Your love for life is simply inspiring, I guess I just wish you were (figuratively) around to enjoy it more..

I’ll admit..I have always thought my thoughts were naturally lucid, but I’ve never felt anything like tripping before in my life. I know you were worried about me making a judgment, but I just wanted to get closer to you..I thought it would give me clarity into life behind your eyes. I suppose it did; the higher I got to you, the higher you got to your dad. When I asked you what you would say to him if you had one more chance, I almost cried when you said, “Come home.” Hell. I’ve almost cried several times just thinking about this over and over again since that night.

It makes me nervous to sit here and think about what I would say if you were to ask me what is going through my head. But it makes me more anxious to think about where you will be 5 years from now…You promised we’d travel the world together, but I fear that one day I’ll get a phone call…or I won’t hear anything at all. It also pains me to think that you are so able to balance me, and I can’t do the same for you.

I pray that the day your past meets your present, you are able to keep smiling and appreciating the life that you lead. I promise I will be here for you, even if we just sit in silence.

Please keep smiling so I can always remember you.

 

Be Happy For No Reason

“When you’re happy for no reason, you bring happiness to your outer experiences rather than trying to extract happiness from them. You don’t need to manipulate the world around you to try to make yourself happy. You live from happiness, rather than for happiness.”

– Marci Shimoff

To love, and be loved.

“I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.”

— Shana Abé

One Year Ago Today…

Today makes one year – 365 flashbacks – since I walked away from my totaled ’09 black on black Nissan Altima without a single scratch on my body. I remember, at the time, feeling like I was in a really bad dream; now, when I try to dream, too often the projector in my mind shows the crash on repeat.

Too often, while my eyes remain closed, my heart moves like a hummingbird’s wings in my chest. My hands clench for mercy with cloth and a prayer between each knuckle. A single bead of sweat races a tear down the side of my cheek as salt blankets my neck to my tailbone. The melody of my breath grows staccato until my subconscious finally retrieves me from inception. Few can attest to this, but if – within the past year – we’ve ever spent the night together, and I woke up shaking in your arms, now you know why.

I AM alive…

…But one year ago today, I almost lost this priviledge.

I think that there were too many contributing factors that day that played a role in the consequences. I certainly played mine — rushing to get to work, answering calls and emails, all while trying to read news updates about candle vigils happening that evening in memory of the 5th anniversary of the Virginia Tech shootings. The moment itself happened at the speed of light, but isolated thoughts prolonged the seconds in between. I remember thinking: Is this really happening? There’s no way that my time on this Earth is near complete. There’s too many things that I still need to do, experiences that I need to have, and people who I need to say “I love you” to.

My will to live overpowered my fear of death that day. I didn’t make a big deal about it outwardly because I was trying to understand the emotions going on within first; less of the why am I here, more of the how I made it here. It took some time, but clarity eventually came:

Having the opportunity to live, breathe and love makes the bad dreams well worth it. If anything, they keep me in check and serve as a reminder to always appreciate what I have, and to always go after what I want.

One year ago today, I received a blessing disguised as an obstacle. In three days (April 19, 2013), I will turn 23 years old. I AM, humbly thankful.